“Addiction: the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity.”
Some of you who read my bioautography would know, that I was addicted to bulimia for more than a good decade. The most intensive period of addiction I had was the initial years right after I switched my lifestyle. I cut out all cooked processed foods, alcohol, smoking and switched almost completely to raw foods.
The clarity that came along with a diet clean up was too overwhelming for me, and at that time, I had no defence against my emotions. Gave up bread, rice, sugar everything that numbs the senses, i was vibrating high, but my psyche was not ready to handle that.
So, for a good 3 years, i used bulimia as a tool to dull the senses while I did work on myself. The problem with bulimia is that, it can be unnoticed for years, sometimes for their entire lifetimes. Bulimics are clever people, and they good at covering their tracks.
For one, you often could not tell whether a person is bulimic unless he/she shares with you. With an above average intelligence, bulimics often KNOW deep down, that nobody can help them unless they do.
An addiction is an addiction. Whether it is to gambling, smoking, drugs, sex, food, binge-puke etc, it is still an addiction. The formula is the same:
Negative Emotion + Perfectionism + Destructive Behavior = Addiction
In the case of bulimia, there are a number of possible triggers, but most of them are rooted in self hatred.
The phrase ‘self hatred‘ itself is a big word. There are so many causal pathways, that could fill an entire book. In the case of bulimia, when bulimics take such a violent act of bingeing and throwing up, they are essentially punishing themselves, acting out of a loathing they secretly hide.
In this first article of Eating Disorders – Walking through bulimia and becoming free, let me first highlight the importance of walking through and getting out from eating disorders as early as possible, as loving as possible.
Both bulimics and aneroxics (another common form of eating disorder that exhibits signs of food aversion, often to the point of starvation) are at high risk of heath breakdowns. Bulimics are especially prone to osteoporosis and tooth decay because of over acidity. Stomach acids are good for the stomach but not good in the mouth. The repeated action of throwing up renders the body in a constant acidic condition. Hormonal malfunctions are common because the adrenal glands secrete adrenaline every time you binge and puke. The body literally thinks it’s undergoing attack. This constant pumping of adrenaline racks your hormones. I’m not joking, if you can’t see life beyond the toilet bowl, you may not be alive for very long.
Most often than not, bulimics have a tough experience when it comes to social, work and family relationships. Because their emotions are fluctuating between high and low, the experiences they have with others in their lives also fluctuate between passive aggressive. They are either:
- Feeling constantly overwhelmed, unduely stressed, over accommodating, over optimistic, even apologetic to the point of being a “doormat”; or
- Over domineering, overwhelming to others and have a compulsive impetus to high achieving.
Sometimes the bulimic feels the full spectrum of passive aggressive behavior over the course of a single day. This makes their working relationships especially challenging to manage, both for the bulimic and the colleagues.
3. Love Relationships
Before you can love others or give love to others, you first have to give love to yourself. Bulimics are people with great love, but unfortunately due to the causal pathways of addiction, their love is blocked. They are incapable of loving and caring for others authentically because they are in energy deficit everyday. Each time you do the act of binge purge, you are creating what is called an “energy dent“. With barely enough energy to get through the day, there is not much left to give to others. It is ironical because bulimics are often the people who desires most to give love to others. And it can be very sad, for the people around who loves them and wants to see them well.
4. Abundance and Success
We create our outer world experiences; we are responsible for every result we have. Every one of them. When a bulimic creates “energy dents” consistently, year after year, the energy they attract are far from pleasant. When they encounter good energies, or highly conscious people, this energy runs tangent to them. That means they don’t meet, or merge. At worst, they invite bullying abusive behaviors. And this is a huge stumbling block in personal success. It becomes literally a self fulfilling cycle of more self abuse, inability to achieve life goals, more self loathing, and then self abuse again.
(C) Linda Loo